Let's Unpack How a Communicative View Makes Your Life Easier

Do you want fewer misunderstandings at work? Do you want smoother, more effective conversations with your manager? What about at home? Connect more quickly with an upset child or come to understanding more easily with your partner? This week on the Communicative Leader we tackle how using a communicative view will make your life easier.

What do we typically do when we feel like someone doesn't understand us? We speak more loudly and we restate our point.

Yet unfortunately most of the time, volume and content aren't really the issues. The issue is deeper. The issue is one of understanding.

 We'll look at the small, communication-rooted steps you can take that will help you to be more persuasive and likely enhance your workplace (and home) relationships at the same time. Bonus? These take little training and cost nothing, but require some practice and intention.

Also in this week's episode? Say this, not that! Rephrasing common work statements into thoughtful, other-oriented statements. You're totally earning extra boss points here :)

You got this!

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Transcript

Do you want fewer misunderstandings at work? Do you want smoother, more effective conversations with your manager? What about at home? Connect more quickly with an upset child or come to understanding more easily with your partner? This week on the Communicative Leader we tackle how using a communicative view will make your life easier. 

Let’s think about a hammer. Yup, you heard me right. I want you to think about a hammer. A hammer can be an incredible tool. Anyone who has built something from furniture to a deck to a home or added finishes or furnishings to their space knows the value of this simple, yet effective tool. Yet just as we can think of many ways to use this tool for good, we also have to recognize that it can just as easily become a weapon. One textbook that I use talks about someone using a hammer to “persuade the 2 x 4 into the too small space” and certainly we can think of old movies with a crime syndicate and someone pulling out a hammer to “have a conversation with Jimmy here in the corner” Side note, but have you noticed there is always a character named Jimmy in old time gangster movies. 

Moooooving on. 

A lingering misconception about communication is that it is simply a tool to pull out when someone would like to (a) get his or her way or (b) use it to clarify misunderstandings. This is a very simplistic view of communication. Focusing on communication as transmission can clear up misunderstandings if someone simply did not hear the other person correctly. In those situations, repeating or choosing a different channel of communication (i.e., avoiding texting when emotional nuance is a part of the message) can clear up the misunderstanding.

However, when organizations cite “communication problems,” the issue is usually one of meaning making between two or more people. In those situations, the preceding solutions do not work. If there is a value disagreement at the heart of a conflict, simply restating it louder and more slowly will not solve the conflict.

Yet how often have we found ourselves in meetings or situations where people do exactly that? Let’s say we’re in a team meeting and we are sitting there and watching – folks this is ALWAYS easier to identify from the outside looking in – and we can tell our manager and our team mate are butting heads. We can start to feel the temperature of the room change…we’re getting a little uncomfortable, we notice the other meeting attendees are starting to shift in their seats. Both keep reiterating their points of view – uses different words sometimes, sure – but each continue to hurl their opinion at the other over and over and over. It’s almost like watching dodgeball but with opinions/arguments. And if you haven’t seen this at work, this might be something you’ve experienced in another interpersonal relationship  --- with a romantic partner, or friend, perhaps. Here’s the thing…it’s not that our manager or a peer don’t understand the other. It’s not that they can’t hear them. So taking the time to clearly annunciate each word or speak more loudly is not, I repeat, is NOT going to clarify or diffuse anything. 

Spoiler alert – we know in our heart of hearts it will do the opposite – it will fan the flames and usually increase the blood pressure in our conversational partner. Car commercials always talk about how quickly a car can go from 0 to 60 – this is the communication equivalent of that.  

Again, conflict here is not stemming from a lack of hearing each other or even in understanding their suggestion, but rather it can be emerged from a disagreement in meaning-making. 

Meaning-making, hmmm…what is that you ask? Each is likely coming from a different perspective and may also have slightly different goals and values, so they see their solution as the right one. Yet, taking a communicative view can help each member to take a step back to seek to understand the other, before attempting to be understood. Even if one of the parties is doing this, it can go a long way in diffusing the tension to let the two parties or team come together to reorient around the shared goal. Like we said last episode, conflict can be a very powerful and a very positive thing!!!!

A foundational view of communication often allows parties to realize and connect over shared values or other similarities. In the instance above, if either the leader or member were to adopt a foundational role of communication, they would likely point out that the disagreement stems from the fact that they are each passionate about the project and want to see it executed well. Taking a moment to reflect on their shared goal also allows them to discuss other primary or secondary goals. For example, the leader may be making specific suggestions because they have additional information about what the C-suit or board members expect. On the other hand, the employee may be pushing for their recommendations to be implemented to illustrate to their leader that they are deserving of more responsibility or a promotion. As they communicate from this perspective, they can move to a meaning-centered approach.

So now that we know this view of communication gives us a solid foundation to work from, how the heck do we get there? 

In a book I co-authored with Rebecca Imes and Jenn Hester we spent a lot of time thinking about suggestions to help elevate employees’ ability to communicate and relate. We’re going to consider these 5 suggestions and offer specific illustrations for each. Why? Because being intentional about your communication, is going to amp up your leadership ability while also helping you to be more credible and more persuasive. Other benefit? Yeah, fewer misunderstandings, likely stronger relationships.

Let’s dive in. 

1.      Intentional Language

A manager I used to work for was really incredible in many, many ways and I really learned a lot from her. Yet one thing that she would do that still irks me to this day is the way she would refer to us, her team. When we were in our office space she would sing our praises individually and collectively, and would refer to us as her “rockstars.” Over and over, she would use this term to celebrate our successes and highlight our contributions. My rockstars, what a rockstar, you rock, etc. But….yeah, you knew this was coming, over course there is a but, but anytime her manager was around or her peers were around she would call us “just her staff.” Yuck. Right? Just no. 

So for some this turn may seem slight and certainly in some more formal workplaces uses a term like “rock stars” would be deemed unacceptable. However, we also have to consider how it feels to be referred to as “just her staff” when others --- those who are not in the group—are around. There are certainly more professional and more inclusive terms, such as my group or my team that would have indicated a shared experience and continues to promote respect at all levels. 

Taking the time to think about how it could feel to be on the receiving end of various comments is helpful in all scenarios, for employees of all levels. 

2.      Tone

So we know we need to consider what we say in terms of being intentional with language, but we also have to consider how it is said. Continuing with the example above, if the manager had said “my staff” with warmth and affection in her voice, it would have certainly evoked different responses in her members than when she would say it dryly and often with a dismissive shrug. 

Tone is especially important when we feel ourselves getting frustrated or realize that we’re really pushing to be understood (particularly if it’s at the cost of actually listening to the other). Think about when you have to deliver bad or unexpected news. Certainly, it may feel easier to exercise control over the situation by removing emotion from our voice. We don’t want our voice to crack in front of our employees? What would that say about us as leaders? Contrary to old school advice of keeping emotion out of the workplace, I encourage you to lean into it. What does it say about you as a leader? You’re also a human being who cares about their team. 

Before I left industry, I was on the emergency preparedness team of a large metropolitan hospital. As the representative from the communication department, during emergencies I enacted the role of the public information officer. So during crises – whether they were big such as the news of H1N1 or smaller – briefly losing power – we would assemble a command center and I would wear a vest that had COMMUNICATION OFFICER marked in large letters. As part of this role, I would draft and disseminate messages and updates to employees and the media. One aspect of our communication plan was leaving a message on a designated hotline number so that employees who didn’t have a work computer or were engaged – right in patient-care—could pick up a hospital phone or their personal phone and call in for a brief update. 

So this sounds fairly simple right? Write a message. Record the message. Done and Done. Well I was really, really, really, terrible at this. Why? I actively worked hard, very hard, to remove any and all emotion from my voice. Move over Elsa, I had Ice Queen down. Well, isn’t this a good thing, especially in emergencies? Certainly, there is the goal of communicating in a way that isn’t going to scare the heck out of anyone – but you also don’t want to sound like Siri or Google or Alexa is connecting with you in uncertain times. If I could go back or I had to do this in the future, I would be sure to communicate as if I were talking to a good friend. I’d think of one particular colleague and think about him/her/them, see their face, take pauses as if it were a conversation. That would help me to achieve a more conversational approach that communicated empathy and understanding while also providing the required information. 

Warmth, empathy, understanding and patience go a long, long, long way in in connecting with others – especially when we’re conveying less than desirable news or when we’re interacting with someone we’ve had a hard time connecting with in the past. 

3.      Other-Oriented Approach

While we’ve talked about thinking about what we say and how we say, now we’re going to consider a higher level of communicating.  In many ways, this one communicative approach illustrates the foundational role of communication. This is a macro approach to considering relationships and communication. It is easier said than done, but when some become practiced at

taking an other-oriented focus, it can help minimize misunderstandings and reduce conflict. As the name suggests, this communication practice means focusing on the other person’s perspective rather than figuring out how to bolster your argument. It’s not easy to put someone else’s needs first, particularly when it feels like something is at stake (such as a project’s success). However, by taking an other-oriented approach, perceived conflict can often be quickly

diffused. A shared understanding (i.e., we both want what is best for the project) emerges more rapidly than if we continue to reiterate our stance repeatedly and likely, more loudly. An other-oriented approach does not mean that you are not heard or walked all over; contrarily, those who take an other-oriented approach tend to be highly regarded. Why is that? Because it shows complexity in thought and problem-solving while simultaneously enacting a relational approach.

What does this look like?

-Honestly addressing the situation. It sounds like we are both passionate here and have strong ideas for the project. What if we take a moment to circle back to original project goals?

-I have some ideas to share, but first it would be helpful if we really explore yours. Then we can consider how they would impact the project and then dive into my ideas. 

Small, but intentional communication steps help to save the day….and even workplace relationships. 

4.      Active Listening 

While the name is deceptively easy, active listening requires work. You’re asking me to do more? Yes, my friends I am. I bet you’re starting to see how these tips kind of all go hand in hand. We’re going to look at the more in the fifth and final piece of advice. But first, let’s focus on active listening. 

So many times we think we’re listening and oftentimes we’d be more accurate in saying that we’re hearing. Active listening means well, you’re actively engaged. You’re doing more than hearing what your friend is saying. You’re making eye contact, you’re asking questions. You can paraphrase or summarize to make sure that you’re understanding what they are sharing. You are not, I repeat you are not thinking about that amazing sandwich you made for lunch. You are there in the moment. We’ll tackle active listening in greater detail in episode 5, but until then focus on the person, focus on the content, focus on eye contact, focus on your body language, do not focus on the sandwich. 

5.      Meaning-Centered Approach 

A meaning-centered approach is the apex of a foundational view of communication. A meaning-centered approach infuses active listening, intentional language, tone, and as a result, is the ultimate enactment of an other-oriented perspective. Meaning-centered communicators are cognitively complex and work hard to observe and engage with others and their environments in thoughtful and meaningful ways. A meaning-centered approach also means that communicators take responsibility for what they say, including owning mistakes and missteps. This approach does not mean that communicators are exempt from the occasional faux pas, but rather when it occurs, they acknowledge the error and take steps to rectify the situation.

Taken together a more sophisticated view is to consider communication as a foundation. Without a solid foundation, homes sustain structural damage and cannot provide shelter. Without a solid foundation, marriages and relationships tend to crumble under everyday pressures and stressors. Neither of the preceding examples is simply a situation of not hearing someone correctly. Both show a difference in value and a difference in cultural communication expectation. Restating the same claim will not resolve these differences—both parties need to collaboratively communicate to try and get on the same page. Even with great communication, they may not agree, but they will better understand the other person’s point of view.

So we know what goes into the foundational view of communication and you’re saying, yes that is great and all, but what does that actually look like? I mean how do I know when I’m doing it? 

For our applied communication tips this week, we are going to do go through a series of say this, not that examples.  Kinda like wear this not that, but for communicators 😊 Yeah, we really are this cool on The Communicative Leader.

Let’s look at three common, reactive responses we hear in the workplace. We will look at them one by one, and also consider what a better, meaning-centered approach may look like. Because the professor in me   is dying to come out, we’re also going to unpack the difference – why? Because 1)I’m an  org-com/leadership nerd, and 2) because it truly is important to understand why one is going to be a better response. 

1.      Reactive statement: Failure is not an option. 

Show of hands? Who’s heard this before? I am raising both hands. I have heard it that many times. Sometimes as a joke, but not as a joke and most often as a declarative statement issued from a manager. 

Why is this not the best statement to make? It frames the work – the project for example – in either or terms. Either this complex, multi-part project will be a success OR it will be a spectacular failure. Even if we are not saying that explicitly, often times that is our takeaway message as an employee. A much healthier and realistic approach is to seek to innovate for sure, but while acknowledging the complexity of the project as a whole. If we can break projects into small pieces or integrate milestones, then we can take time to celebrate and re-energize along the way. Celebrating mini victories and triumphs goes a long way in maintaining a creative and engaged spirit than messaging that makes them feel like it is an all or nothing situation. 

Instead of “Failure is not an option” what about something like “What safeguards do we have built in if we’re not able to fulfill this aspect of the project in its entirety by the deadline?”

2.      Reactive statement #2: Because that is the way it has always been done.” 

We’ve heard this likely from a lot of people = from parents to friends to others in our organization. 

Why is this statement problematic? Well for many reasons. First if effectively shuts down conversation – this is the communication equivalent of slamming a door on someone. It also implicitly tells that employee that his/her/their opinion does not matter. Second, it is so reminiscence of the age-old parenting response “of because I said so.” If it’s not fun to hear that at 4 or 14, we certainly don’t want to be spoken to in a child-like manner at work. 

What could we try instead that would be meaning-centered? 

There is a lot of history and tradition in this particular event (or project or process), but it is important to always consider how to improve and innovated. I’d love to hear your suggestions. 

3.      Reactive statement #3. Our final reactive statement is as follows: “Time off? It feels like you just took time off.” 

Whew. That doesn’t feel good to verbalize, even as an example of what not to say. Why? It shames employees for using what is theirs to use – paid time off. Work is a transactional process – employees, including leaders, adhere to their job descriptions and in return the organization provides them compensation and fringe benefits such as vacation time. While an employee may have a vacation planned or a baby due or an unforeseen event come up in a less than ideal time for work matters, it is essential to encourage and support work/life balance. 

Check that reactive response back in the 80s or 70s..I don’t know – just a long time ago. Instead consider celebrating the use of their benefits with something like “I’m glad to see you’re using your vacation time. Good for you. It’s important to take time off.” 

So what are our takeaways? A communicative view is a powerful one that allows employees of all ranks to demonstrate leadership. Not only does it allow everyone to demonstrate leadership, but you’re also demonstrating respect for yourself, for others, and for the task at hand. 

A communicative view moves us away from traditional leadership theories that situate leadership in a specific person/role. It helps us to see how we all have the ability to enact leadership in a way that is unique and fitting to us as an individual, rather than trying to model certain characteristics that make you feel more like you’re acting than truly interacting. Leaders are not heroes, they are thoughtful, adept communicators.