One sentence my colleague and co-author, Dr. Jennifer Ptacek, wrote in our recent book that I keep coming back to it…..“Although we often equate the word “leadership” with “good leadership” this idea is very limiting. We know that not all leadership is good, but we don’t tend to talk about why and when leadership fails. This week on the Communicative Leader we are going to discuss how interpersonal differences can get in the way of our ability to lead well or to connect with our leader.
It is easy to lead people we share strong interpersonal relationships with, but what happens when we do not get along with our followers? Sometimes leadership is hard—it is difficult to relate to people when we differ in various ways, such as politics, family obligations, work ethics, and other personal differences. This episode offers practical suggestions for communicating and connecting with people we struggle to get along with.
Although we often equate the word “leadership” with “good leadership,” this idea is very limiting. It can also make someone believe that if they lack a particular skill or have failed as a leader in the past that they should not be a leader or are not meant to be a leader. This, fortunately, is not the case. All leaders have faced challenges many times throughout their lives.
In fact, leaders face challenges every day, whether in solving a problem, making a decision, managing conflict, motivating followers, etc. However, one sign of “good leadership” is perseverance to keep going and learn from mistakes when faced with difficulties.
I love this quote from Warren Buffet -- He is currently the chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway. He is one of the most successful investors in the world and has a net worth of over $97 billion as of September 2022, “I make plenty of mistakes and I’ll make plenty more mistakes, too. That’s part of the game. You’ve just got to make sure that the right things overcome the wrong ones”—
Among the challenges for leaders is building and maintaining high-quality leader–member relationships. Building strong relationships with followers may be easy when you share similarities because similarity breeds liking. Diversity in teams can be beneficial in many ways, but this can pose challenges if differences between leaders and members prevent them from connecting. Some contexts in which it may be difficult for leaders and members to connect are differences in politics, family obligations, work ethics, and other personal differences. We will explore each of these and provide some practical suggestions on overcoming these differences and making a connection.
Political Differences
Political differences can create tension between even close family members and friends, and individuals in the workplace are not exempt from this. A study (American Psychological Association, 2016) conducted leading up to the 2016 United States presidential election found that 17% of employees reported feeling stressed out because of political discussions at work, and 20% of employees avoided some coworkers altogether because of their political views. Other effects of political discussions at work have led to employees feeling less productive and more negative while at work (APA, 2016). Indeed, politics can be a sensitive subject in the workplace because coworkers can be extremely polarized on topics they feel
passionate about. Considering this, there are several things that leaders can do to connect with members despite political differences (Ballard, 2017). Some ideas include:
• Establish a clear policy limiting political activity at work
• Emphasize a culture of respect and civil communication
• Actively lead by example by showing respect and civility to all
employees
• Recognize that employees may feel more stressed during high
political seasons, such as during election years
• Focus on shared goals, values, and teamwork—find some common
ground and similarities
Family Obligation Differences
It may be difficult for a leader to understand an employee’s family needs if they differ from their own. For example, suppose someone is not caring for a sick relative, a disabled relative, an elderly parent, or children. In that case, they may not understand the demands on someone experiencing one or a combination of these situations. Furthermore, each organizational member has a different family situation, all of which come with unique challenges. Even two coworkers who have the same number of children, for example, can experience very different family structures, time commitments, and needs.
So it’s not fair for a manager to say, “what’s the problem, I also have three kids and I make the event tonight.” Maybe they have more support at home or different expectations for their time than someone else who appears to have a similar family situation.
This is an important time to bring up Big M mandatory and little M mandatory. Big M mandatory events are those that we are required to participate in as part of our formal role – for me, it is showing up to teach my classes, attend faculty meetings, and other service role meetings. For my partner, it means being online from 7-4 M/F and in the office the same hours T, W, and TH. We are compensated in exchange for upholding our end of the employment contract.
Little m mandatory, however, is like the evening event referenced above. Sure that event or that dinner or those drinks might not be specifically tied to your job responsibilities, but if relationships are bolstered there, informal alliances established, even decisions made, we may feel like we HAVE to be there in order to remain successful or even just relevant at work. This can be very challenging, especially for those who have caregiving responsibilities after work or on the weekend. I want to share a story of a friend who fell into this little m mandatory trap and it really impacted her quality of life in a big way. She was new to her department and eager to forge relationships. She was also one of the few female faculty in her unit and spent the end of her first year pregnant and unable to join her director and many colleagues for informal pre-work runs. While she realized that even those these were not part of work, many decisions were made. Class assignments were discussed. Funding opportunities brainstormed about. So what did my friend do? As soon as she was cleared for activity post-pregnancy, she got up early, left the newborn and joined her department for runs. Was she a runner? Nope. Did she enjoy this? Nope. But she said it allowed her to develop some clout and respect in the department. Worst part? She’s not my only friend who’s been in a similar situation – trying to secure sitters or nannies or talk golf lessons on the side in order to have facetime outside of work hours so that their time during work hours is more successful.
Formal managers should consider this when planning team building opportunities whether they are formal or informal. This doesn’t mean colleagues can’t decide to grab dinner after work one day because not everyone can make it, but it does mean that we may want to rethink that every Friday night drink, for example. We also have to be mindful that not everyone is comfortable in those settings for a variety of reasons. Instead, we can use worktime to go bowling or cater lunch in.
It is also essential to consider that employees do not have to disclose their family obligations to their employers and may hesitate to do so out of fear that they will miss out on opportunities or be treated differently than other employees. Avni Patel Thompson, CEO, and founder of Modern Village, says, “There are some managers who are unsympathetic to the challenges their employees face at home and some who intentionally turn a blind eye” (Knight, 2020, n.p.). Thompson adds that while managers may have good intentions, they may lack empathy or the know-how to support employees in these situations.
As a leader,
there are some specific things to do when connecting with employees
with different family obligations (Knight, 2020; U.S. Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission, n.d.), such as:
• Create an open and trusting environment where employees feel
comfortable sharing information about their personal lives, as well
as an inclusive culture which recognizes the contributions of all
members
• If someone shares personal information with you, show concern and
empathy, genuinely listen to and remember what they say, and ask appropriate questions to build your understanding of the situation
Check-in on each employee often and follow up with an employee
if they are going through a challenging family situation
• Post work schedules as early as possible to allow for employees to
have time to schedule their responsibilities
• Provide training and development opportunities to all employees
regardless of their obligations so that everyone has the information
needed to perform their jobs best
• Provide reasonable personal or sick leave for employees to handle
caregiving responsibilities, make overtime requirements as family friendly
as possible, and reassign job duties that employees cannot
perform due to personal responsibilities
Work Ethics Differences
Another way in which a leader and employees can feel disconnected from
one another is if they share differences in work ethics. This can go both
ways, as leaders can have poor work ethics, likely losing trust and respect
from followers.
However, effective leaders must set and demonstrate
ethical standards in their organization. Sometimes ethics are apparent,
such as in situations when stealing or harming someone is involved.
But regarding work ethics, which can be thought of as values that guide someone’s
workplace behavior or how they feel about the importance of work
(Cambridge Dictionary, n.d.), the lines can be more blurry. It can be
frustrating if an employee does not have the same work ethics or standards
of working, but it is important to remember that everyone has
learned these values in different ways.
For example, while you might think
someone being late daily is rude and demonstrates a poor work ethic, that
person may not believe timeliness is a big deal if they still get all of their
work done. They may also come from a culture where time is considered
polychronic rather than monochronic, as is the case in the United States.
Furthermore, as mentioned in family obligations, individuals could have
personal schedule conflicts that prevent them from getting to work early.
Concepts such as timeliness are also cultural, so it is helpful to consider
how various cultural differences can influence someone’s idea of good
work ethics. If a leader finds that it is challenging to connect with an
employee because of differences in work ethics, it may help to consider
the following suggestions (Meyer, 2019; Roy, 2020):
· As a leader, set clear guidelines and policies on expectations, such
as deadlines to complete work and what behaviors are unacceptable.
· There is a difference between an employee just doing something
differently and outright violating an established policy.
• Be a mentor and set a good example through your behaviors. Consistency
on the leader’s part can motivate others to develop the same
work ethics.
• Make space for constant and mutual feedback—set one-on-one time
with each employee to give them feedback on how they are doing
and ask them how they think you are doing and how you can better
help them.
• Recognize and emphasize someone’s contributions and things they
are doing well, instead of just picking out and focusing on their
downfalls. Each employee can offer distinct benefits to the team.
• Consider if your expectations are realistic, and do not judge someone
if they don’t have the same dedication. For example, if you stay late
to complete extra work, but someone else does not, do not assume
that they don’t care about their job.
• Be cognizant of employees’ needs. Meeting employee needs can
motivate them to be more engaged in their work.
Personal Differences
In addition to differences in political views, family obligations, and work
ethics, a leader may have difficulty connecting with an employee due
to a number of other personal differences. Again, it is often easier to
build relationships when you can find similarities with someone else, so,
understandably, it may be harder to connect with those who we perceive
to share no similarities. However, you will certainly work with many
people throughout your career who you perceive to be very different from
yourself, whether in communication style, prioritizing tasks or relationships,
personal interests, or other factors. In addition to the suggestions
provided above, it may be helpful to try these general suggestions for
connecting with employees (Economy, 2014).
• Show that you value each employee and respect their time, culture,
and opinions
• Create a work environment where everyone feels safe to try new
things and share their ideas
• Be transparent and share information with everyone
Give every employee opportunities for more responsibility and
growth
• Trust every employee to do their job instead of strictly guiding them
with an excess of policies and procedures
• Engage with each employee frequently, checking in on them and
asking for their ideas and thoughts
• Take time to recognize and reward every employee (even in small
ways such as a verbal or written thank you) for their excellent
contributions, and publicly celebrate team efforts
Additionally, it’s important to remember that building high-quality LMX
relationships takes work and time. Thankfully, leaders can improve their
skills through practice, dedication to their followers, and emulating the
values they want to instill in others.
Communication Focus of the Week – Strategic Language
Part of building good LMX relationships and getting others on board with your ideas in the language you use. Language is, after all, the “critical link between vision and the leader’s ability to powerfully communicate its essence” (Conger, 1991, p. 31). One way in which language is used effectively among leaders is in the art of framing.
Now sometimes framing gets a bad wrap. It gets conflated with spin. It is not meant to be negative – but rather thoughtful, strategic, and intentional.
Language plays a part in framing as it helps us focus and make sense
of abstract situations, categorize things, and remember and understand
information (Fairhurst, 2005). Leaders can help manage meaning
through language to help create a frame in the listener’s mind (Fairhurst
& Sarr, 1996). Fairhurst and Sarr (1996) identify five specific tools or
language forms that leaders use to design memorable frames for followers.
These include:
• Metaphors: These compare one thing to something else. Use this
when you want something to take on a new meaning. An example
of this would be, “When we put our heads together, we’re like an
unstoppable freight train.”
• Jargon: Using jargon or catchphrases helps to put something into
familiar terms. Use this when you want to enhance meaning. An
example of this includes, “We need to put our noses to the grindstone
and get this project done.”
• Contrast: This explains the subject in terms of its opposite, as sometimes
it is easier to describe something by identifying what it is not.
An example of this is, “This week will not be like last week; we have
different tasks to accomplish.”
• Spin: This can cast the subject in a positive or negative light. Use
this when you want to identify either the strengths or weaknesses
of something. An example of this would be, “This brilliant new
computer system is going to be well worth the cost by saving us
time and making it easier to help customers.”
• Stories: This includes explaining the subject by providing examples.
Use this when you want to draw attention or build rapport, as people like hearing stories. An example of this would be, “I remember when
I first started with this company…”
Of course, these framing tools should be used strategically and thoughtfully,
as there are times when they would not be appropriate to use. For
example, you should avoid using a metaphor or story if they mask alternative
meanings, or you should avoid using jargon if it risks being overused
(Fairhurst & Sarr, 1996). Jargon can also exclude individuals who are
unfamiliar with it and even diminish shared meaning between people.
But when used well, framing tools and vivid language can inspire and
build commitment among followers.
An example of framing….the way Gillette framed its return to work. After working with some students from the Sloan School at MIT, they gathered data, talked to employees, and were transparent about how they arrived at a 3 day F2F schedule.
Even more, their was clear reasoning provided for the the three in-office days.
· Day one is a functional team day…employees brainstorm, plan, and engage with teammates
· Second day in the office is cross-functional day….what do we do with other departments and units? The clandestine water cooler conversations if you will
· Day 3, decentralized social Friday. A brief all hands meeting and the rest of the day is used for employees to connect and establish/reestablish relationships.
Why is this important? Using this transparent approach to framing return to work is far more palatable than companies who send a date and little else in terms of why employees must return.
I want to recap a few things, my friends.
· If a leadership stint didn’t go well in the past, that’s okay. Learn from it and let it go. As we know, leadership is a communication skill that we can learn and improve on.
· We aren’t going to connect with everyone, no matter how hard we try. We don’t have to be friends with everyone. What we do have to do though is treat them with respect, be responsible with our language and actions, and create an environment that is safe.
· Differences can be very very powerful in terms of creating a strong, able team with lots of bench-strength….but differences can mean we need to work a bit harder to forge relationships. Leaders are adept communicators. You can do this.
Takeaways
· Sometimes leading is easy – like when we have a group we like, we identify with them, we appreciate them personally and professionally. Other times leadership can be especially challenging when we’re not quite sure on how to forge a connection.
· Return to shared goals, set shared values.
· Formal leaders, be specific about expectations for workplace conversations. Do we have a team with large political divides? Be explicit about topics that are off limits at work. Cite polls – if your job is to create a safe environment conducive to work, and an American psychological association poll shows that 1 out of 5 are stressed or feel negative about politics at work….you have the power to make that safer for them.
